Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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