plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
