You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
