maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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