Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
