I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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