She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
