I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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