Did you just see the Batmobile???
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
