I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
