i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
