Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
