Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
