I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
there is glitter all over my balls
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