She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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