just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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