I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
