low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
