We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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