The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
me + whiskey = a bad person
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
