I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
