So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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