Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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