sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
