Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
