so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
