you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
