she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dignity is for republicans.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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