Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
