My liver just broke up with me...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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