Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
