my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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