I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
