u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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