I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
