Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
They took my balls.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
