So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
