not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
