He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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