Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
