Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My life is pants optional.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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