Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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