I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
