can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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