I can tuck mytits in my pants
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
