I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
