i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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