if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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