did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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