i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am one with the molecules
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
