it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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