Can Purell be used as lube?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
