false alarm. still invincible.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
