On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
They took my balls.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
