All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
