Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize