did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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